State of the Father

“He shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.”

— Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution

No, I'm not claiming to be the President of the United States, nor am I egotistical enough to claim that my rantings and ramblings have importance approaching on the State of the Union address, but on the day for fathers, it seems somehow appropriate to make a few remarks about fatherhood and just what it means to me.

Four years and 9 months ago, the doctor brought forth a new kid, conceived (most likely) in Tokyo and dedicated to the ideal that he should drive his parents nuts. 

Er... Sorry.

Any case, almost 5 years ago I was presented with a son, Makoto. Needless to say that generated a feeling somewhat akin to the repeated application of a 2x4 to the back of my skull. I still remember holding Makoto for the very first time and seeing him busy looking around, obviously interested in this new place and... not feeling love.

Seriously.

It might be true that mothers are hardwired into being attached to their babies, but I had to work at it. Don't get me wrong, I was very much interested in the baby I now had, but I want to say that it took me about three months or so to hit the stage where I would willing throw myself under a bus if it meant saving him. I think that was a major shock to the system because I wanted to love my son. I wanted to be a father. I never really had one after all. Dad died when I was quite young as I mentioned before and I missed all those things that various Hollywood movies, novels, or friends noted about their dads. I wanted to experience them, if from the other end.

More than that, I looked forward to teaching and guiding my son has he grew up, I thought that it should be fairly simple, not to mention somewhat fun...

I can hear you snickering right now.

Instead, I had a baby. even worse, the hospital let us out of there without a bloody instruction manual! Very rude, how was one to deal with an infant who didn't respond to anything beyond hunger? How can any sane man make sense of these bottles and formula, and kids clothing that seems to have been designed by someone heavily into bondage, given all the snaps that needed to be fastened? Lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of time with wife that didn't involve a baby getting into everything, or becoming not only the center of conversation, but the only topic thereof!

And don't get me started on the 'surprises' we'd find in the diapers.

I don't know when it changed, really. But slowly I did change from man who has a son to Daddy. My worldview changed along with it from concerns about teaching and whatnot to concerns about children. I cannot tell you when it happened, but I can tell you when I noticed it. 

We were flying back to the US, it would be Makoto's first (and so far only) trip back to the land that spawned me (Please don't hold that against the US) at around 10 months. Over the Pacific, with Beloved and Makoto sleeping, I was busy reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld novel, Thud!. The plot of the novel isn't that important, but there was a scene where the main character returns home to find that his house has been invaded by people intent on harming him and his family, and even worse, one of them had made it up to the nursery where his young son slept. During this scene, the main character feels that he is climbing endless stairs, trying to get to his screaming son all the while screaming "I'LLKILLYOU!"

Now I had read the book before and enjoyed it a lot, this time it made my blood run cold. I could picture the scene in my mind, only it was Makoto who was screaming and I was the one in panic and more than willing to do anything to keep my son, my son safe.

That was when I knew that I was Daddy.

I've noted since then that the closest that I will ever come to knowing how Superman feels is the look I see in my sons' eyes. To them, I can do anything and know no fear.

They do not know, yet, just how much fear I feel for them, and how willing I am to throw myself into my fears just to keep them safe, happy, and healthy.

Loaded diapers and everything.

The state of the father is good, and on this day when I wasn't presented with breakfast, a choice of meals, or anything beyond a pass to the local park so Beloved can get her children out of her hair... I ended up with the best gift of all, my sons.

Happy Father's Day.

A Gift for Dear Old Dad

I think that whomever brought over Father's Day to Japan probably left something out when translating it. Now, admittedly, I'm a bit fuzzy on the concept myself. My father died when I was very young and my mother didn't remarry until I was in my teens. For a number of years then, Father's Day was kinda a wash. The stuff made in school was changed a bit for my grandfather and sent off to him, but he lived 5 hours away and I only got to see him a couple times a year. The concept of a day for doing something nice for dad then was something I really didn't get into.

With the arrival of my sons, I thought that maybe I could make up for lost time a bit, or at least Beloved would have some notion of how to treat the day having given things to her own father. Then I learned the truth about the day in Japan and about Beloved. Beloved of course is a remarkable, highly intelligent, competent, and organized woman. She keeps the calendar for the house, both online and paper version. She can tell me when the kids need to do something, when they last did something, and all sorts of facts about them that I don't usually bother keeping up with, like clothing sizes (In my defense, I admit that part of this is the ongoing war between Beloved and I about the geeking out of our boys, so I'm no longer allowed to buy them clothes without prior approval). She has a particular blind-spot however, while she can recall important events like weddings and teaching days, she misses birthdays and gift-giving holidays.

Part of it is no doubt cultural as she doesn't want to seem forward about asking for things (Being selfish is a bad trait in Japan), and part of it is because Beloved has no wish to be reminded that the years are advancing so why should she remember when anyone else was born?

The other problem is Japan itself. Father's Day seems to be Mother's Day Part II. Instead of seeing fathers being celebrated and given a day to relax and enjoy themselves, that date in June will usually see fathers dragging their offspring out to do something fun for the family at their wive's insistence. So moms get a break, dads have to work more, not less. Now I'm sure that given Japan's notorious workweek where fathers do not get a chance to see their child too much, many of them are happy to have a day to spend with their children, but I still feel that perhaps something has gotten lost here somewhere seeing dads loaded down with equipment for a picnic or sports and with kids strapped onto their backs, or in strollers, or running around them at various parks while mothers stroll along.

Now for the first couple of years, I didn't expect much. I mean, the boys being too young to understand Father's Day, it was enough to see them grow and develop. But this year, well, Makoto started to get the idea that there was a Mommy's Day and that meant we had to do something nice for Mommy (He wrote a card himself for her, he also attempted to convince her that what she REALLY wanted was some Kamen Rider Fourze switches) so that got me thinking, what would I like for Father's Day?

Now please note that this is MY list, not a "This is what to get your dad/guy for father's day". I'm sure there are actual fathers out there who would love something golf related, just because I belong to the club of "Golf is a good walk spoiled" doesn't mean everyone else is.

1. Books, and time to read them.

You see these? They need to be filled.

 I love me my books. I love my Kindle. I'd love to have even MORE books to add to my list. There's a reason why I insisted on so many bookshelves for my office, they need to be filled. The empty space is a tragedy after all. Even better would be some time just to read for a bit, currently even time I attempt to read outside of bedtime (Which has its own problems), I end up with one or two boys in my lap demanding that I read them one of their books (Or in Hikaru's case, that he be allowed to eat mine).

2. Movies, and some time to watch them.

I've heard this is awesome...

So I've heard that this Avengers movie is great and a must see. Sadly, it doesn't come out in Japan until August. That's actually not a BAD thing as I'm behind on a number of the sources for it... pretty much the only thing I have seen in Iron Man 1. There's a whole host of films I'd like to rent and see. The problem being that I have to fight to get access to the TV (Beloved is a Japanese TV junkie and the boys of course want to watch Thomas/Cars/Anpanman), and some of them, like Game of Thrones, is not exactly family fare (I so do not want to have to have a conversation with Makoto that starts with "When a mommy and a daddy, who happen to be brother and sister, love each other very much...).

3. A date with my beloved wife.

You see this butt? I'd like to date the woman attached to it again.

It's been a while. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my sons to death, but it has been quite some time since my wife and I enjoyed a dinner together that wasn't punctuated with "Daddy! You know Lightning McQueen? He's very fast!" or Hikaru's attempts to steal more food. While it's Father's Day, I think I'd like to drop the title of daddy for a few and just be a husband again, it'd help remind me how I ended up as daddy in the first place.

4. A tie.

Really, who WOULDN'T want one of these?

No, really. I have to wear the damn things to school and look all teacher'ish and stuff, but I want my kind of tie. Get me something Goofy. Get me something Geeky. Get me something that I can wear and snicker that I might be the only one getting the joke.

5. Something from the boys.

Kid art makes dads gooy inside too!

Makoto wrote a Mother's Day card, his first this year. Hikaru's idea of a gift would probably be some of his own food. But... and it might be slightly unmanly of me to mention, one of my most treasured possessions is a bit of Father's Day artwork from Makoto that he made me two years ago. Daddies get all gooy inside too when presented with something from their offspring.

6. Something for the boys.

Let's go have some fun.

Maybe I have been in Japan too long, but... I'm kinda hoping for another year pass to a local national park where I can take my sons for the day and have a guys' day out. I get a chance to play with my sons, Beloved gets a break, and the boys can run around like the young monkeys they are without constantly getting called back to get their hands, mouths, faces, etc. cleaned. But I wouldn't say no to orders to go take them fishing, or to a zoo, or places like that.

I'll even carry the kids and all the supplies.